I’m back! I’ve been working on a book which I hope will contribute to solving the angry divisiveness that seems to have overtaken our country, if not the world. Here’s the opening paragraph:
As I write this in 2024 in America, the country that aspires to be the light of democracy for the world, we see increasingly sharp and toxic divisions. Various groups line up to hate other groups, encouraged to do so by conflict entrepreneurs. These are people who have learned how to manipulate other people’s emotions, sparking fear and hatred for their own selfish purposes. Conflict entrepreneurs, including many politicians and members of the media, are driven to get votes and sell airtime. Never mind the damage done. Talking about our fellow citizens as if they were the enemy is poison. Our job, yours and mine, is to not let them win. This little book exists for just that purpose.
For those who might want to read more, I’ll share the full introduction and ordering information in my next blog post.
In the meantime, I’ve continued to think about EQ skills and coaching. Readers of this blog have seen lots of ways in which EQ skills make our clients more successful.
And that leads us to a basic insight: Everyone wants to succeed.
Before you respond “Well, duh!” bear with me while we explore the implications for us as coaches, and for our clients. They might be greater than you realize. There may be ways you can use this fundamental truth that haven’t been obvious. Let’s look at a couple of opportunities.
- Our clients want to succeed. As leaders, our clients’ success requires that they win cooperation from others. Leaders don’t succeed on their own. They have to align the efforts of colleagues, direct reports, their superiors, their customers, and so on, to their goals, strategies, and missions.
How can they make this happen?
Others will cooperate with your clients to the extent that they see that doing so will help their own success, however they may define it. Leaders who recognize this will couch their requests for cooperation in that light. For example, to a direct report: “I know this means extra work, but when it comes time for promotion, a job well done on this project will be noticed and appreciated. Plus, you’ll have gained valuable experience, which in itself will make you more promotable.” To a peer: “Hey, I know you’ve got your plate full, but if you do this for me, you can count on me to pitch in with your next big project.” Or, “I think if we can pull this off, it will help our two groups work well together.” To a superior: “I have an idea that I think aligns very well with where you are trying to take our organization. Want to hear it?”
Paying attention to everyone’s success oils the machinery of cooperation.
- Think about the many conversations you have with clients regarding conflicts with co-workers. Listen carefully, and you will hear that pretty much all of these conflicts arise because somebody’s success is threatened. Someone didn’t come through on a promise. Someone is accused of not being a team player. Someone is accused of withholding key information. Someone spoke to them disrespectfully. There are thousands of such examples, but all relate to a component of someone’s success getting threatened.
Yet people don’t think about conflicts in those terms. Instead, they usually think in amygdala-fueled judgmental terms about the person they feel wronged them. We can coach them to think about the situation through the prism of success. You can help your clients be prepared to lead the way to creative and constructive solutions to conflicts that initially look hopeless. Here’s how:
Begin by asking your clients how they define success for themselves. This leads them to engage in self-reflection. They begin to see that their success has a number of components – getting promoted, making more money, being well respected, having autonomy in decision making, etc.
Then return to their complaint about the person they are in conflict with. Ask, “How did what that person did threaten your success?” They usually find that question easy to answer, often in endless and emotional detail.
Answering these questions requires your clients to become self-reflective, which helps them notice the emotions they are experiencing as their success feels threatened. (Emotional Self Awareness)
Next, ask your clients how they believe these other people define success for themselves. Answering this question requires your clients to put themselves in other people’s shoes. (Empathy.) This helps your clients move away from taking other people’s behavior personally. Instead, they can see that they and the other people are simply trying to succeed, which often lowers the emotional temperature. Likewise, co-workers might not have had a clear idea of how what they did would impact your client. You can coach your clients to become aware of the need everyone has to succeed, and to negotiate all requests and favors with that in mind.
Finally, ask your clients to consider whether there are any other possible explanations for these other people’s “problematic” behavior (Reality Testing). I once worked with two groups that had been at loggerheads for many months. Each group needed the other, and they were not coming through for each other. Resentment and passive aggressive behavior had become the norm. When I had the two groups engage in structured conversations with each other, lights turned on in everyone’s heads. The other group was not the monster that had been imagined. Each group had simply not fully understood what the other group needed, and why. They were all just people trying to succeed.
As you work with your next two or three clients, apply the “everyone wants to succeed” prism to see if that provides new insights and opportunities for you and your clients.
