The despair that settled over the left side of the country when Donald Trump won the presidency in 2024 probably pretty much mirrored the despair that settled over the right side of the country when Joe Biden won in 2020.
Recent research shows that we have gotten to the point where Democrats think terrible (and often untrue) things about Republicans, and Republicans think terrible (and often untrue) things about Democrats. Our country has become one big unhappy family, where half the family hates the other half. Is this the way we want our country to be? Or instead, as Rodney King said, “Couldn’t we all just get along?”
I ask, because if we continue to think of our fellow citizens in these “us against them” terms, we are dooming ourselves to a future of alternating election and governing cycles of euphoria (We won!) and despair (We lost!) No matter which
“side” you’re on, as the pendulum swings, at some point you will be drowning in despair. And the progress you feel your “side” made will be washed away. Is this what you want? To be pleased sometimes, but hopeless and full of despair at others? Is there another way? It’s worth thinking about. Some peacefulness would be nice. And maybe even some teamwork to achieve lasting progress.
America has a pretty good track record as a country. Far from perfect, sure. We are human after all. But pretty good. We’ve gotten some good things done. When trouble strikes, we’re pretty good about coming together to help each other out. Preserving our union might be a worthwhile goal. We’re different, yes. We have different ideas. But we all have a lot to give to each other.
If we are to attempt to preserve our imperfect but pretty good union, we will need to start – or perhaps go back to – thinking of ourselves as “we,” instead of as 
“us and them.” To do that, we will need to improve our ability to engage in constructive dialogue when we disagree. Because we will disagree.
And, while it can be uncomfortable, disagreement has much to offer. Good disagreements stretch our thinking. Stretched thinking gets us to better solutions that we would not have thought of otherwise.
So, what is constructive dialog? Here is what AI thinks:
“Constructive dialogue is a conversation where people with different perspectives try to understand each other and find common ground, without abandoning their own beliefs or trying to win an argument. It focuses on mutual understanding, sharing individual experiences, and making sure everyone feels heard, in order to enrich perspectives, clarify differences, and foster collaboration. Key principles include letting go of the need to win, and asking questions to find shared understanding, making it a powerful tool for navigating complex issues and working together across differences.”
Constructive dialog does not involve throwing hate bombs at each other. Sooner or later, those bombs do real damage.
Engaging in constructive dialogue will enable us to see each other’s good points. It will help us remember why we used to like each other, or at least got along.
And we might find out that “they” aren’t so dumb after all. We might end up with twice as many good ideas. And if we’re pulling together, we’ll get a lot more done!
We can model the behavior we want to grow in our country. Doing so will create the foundation for real, substantive, and lasting change. If you are a Democrat, go find one Republican for a conversation. If you are a Republican, go find a Democrat. Don’t make it an argument. That is just a zero-sum game. Instead, engage with curiosity. See what you can learn, without feeling you have to abandon your own principles.
Five years ago, a friend and I helped start an organization (The Roanoke Collaboration Project) that practices these behaviors. We pulled together a group of 
people who represented differences in politics, religion, race, and gender. In addition to talking with each other about topics that we have disagreements about, we have moved to putting on community forums to have constructive, non-zero-sum, discussions. We’ve had as many as one hundred people show up.
We can take heart that, despite the headlines and social media, the vast majority of Americans are not zealots. In fact, 86% of Americans are somewhere in the political middle, willing to engage in critical thought when the context encourages it. We can be that context. We need to empower the 86%.
Since this is a blog devoted to Emotional Intelligence (EQ), here are some EQ skills that lay the foundation for having constructive dialogue:
- Emotional Self-Awareness so that we can recognize when we’ve gotten scared and overly competitive. Awareness helps us not allow our fears to run away with us.
- Empathy so that we can understand the concerns of someone else – not agree – but understand.
- Self-Regard so that while we know we have much to learn, we remember that we also bring important ideas to the table.
- Flexibility so that we can try out new ideas.
When should we start? Today would be a good choice. Reach out to someone “on the other side” and have a conversation. Don’t start with someone in the 7% on either end of the spectrum. Their heels are dug in for now. Begin with someone in the 86%. Listen. Learn. Share.
[/wpdiscuz-feedback]
Note: If you would like to brush up on these or other EQ skills, you can find exercises that will help you do so at https://theeqpress.com
